13. Stinkiness

Ben says that I am mean to him. He doesn't enumerate any specific instances, but still insists that I am mean. I am not mean spirited, but constructively critical. I want to help Ben, and I think that I know what women like/do not like. I think that most women will agree with me that:

WOMEN DO NOT LIKE STINKY MEN.

Women generally do not like stinkiness in any form, but avoidable stinkiness is particularly unattractive.

Most men--those that have the sense that God gave a goat--have an inkling of this fact and try to supress their inherent stinkiness. Or--if the man is such a moron that he doesn't realize that in this day and age that there are products available to supress stinkiness, a suggestion from HIS GIRLFRIEND should be enough to encourage him to wear deodorant. A suggestion from his sister-in-law should merit immedite action--after all people, I am (theoretically) staying out of what would be Ben's funk zone. If the funk zone has widened to the point at which it is penetrating my personal zone, it's time to do something about taming that funk.

Ben will probably be angry with me for bringing up his hygiene again, but MY GOD, it STILL bears mentioning.

In case you need it spelled out for you, I'm talking about Ben's stinky B.O.

As you may have read on Ben's blog, he spent his Spring Break with us last week, working at Adam's office.

As usual, he showed up here without any toiletries. So--we had to go to Target and buy him some toiletries--shampoo, soap, shower puff, toothbrush, toothpaste, razor and shaving cream. And socks. NO DEODORANT. This problem was not immediately obvious to me for some reason. I just assumed that Ben had brought some with him. Looking back with 20/20 vision now, I don't know why I would assume he would bring deodorant with him when he couldn't remember to bring any other products.

On Monday night, Ben left the shirt that he had been wearing all day Monday on top of the washing machine in the laundry room. I initially thought that it stunk so bad that Ben was silently asking me to wash it for him. Which I did. Come to find out that he had taken it off while ironing the one shirt that he bothered to iron the entire time he was here. The other days he borrowed shirts from Adam, who is regretting this fact now, by the way.

I casually mentioned to Ben that I washed his shirt because it was so stinky. No reaction. I mentioned to Adam that Ben's shirt was really stinky and that he might want to talk to him about using a different deodorant, etc. I just assumed he was using a deodorant that wasn't strong enough. Hey--it happens.

Now come to find out that Ben does not wear deodorant. Period. End of discussion. No! NO! NOOOOOOO!!!! Come on! IT'S AN EASY FIX! You are a 27 year old man. Chronologically an adult. Deodorant is easily accessible. They probably even carry it at the Indian beer store. The use of underarm deodorant has, in our society, become basic daily hygiene. It's the American way. What is your point? Why are you making a stand on this? Are you embracing your stinkiness? If so--don't expect anyone else to want to wallow in your "Ben-ness".



The mystery is--has Ben ever worn deodorant? If so--why did he stop? Why had I never noticed his funky B.O. before? My theory is that his extreme foot stench usually drowns out his B.O. Believe me, you don't want to be trapped in a car with Ben's feet, even on a short ride, especially if you've just eaten lunch. Make sure you can pull over quickly. He also usually has a cloud of cigarette smell lingering over him--perhaps this acts in concert with the feet?



I also have to mention that I think the fact that he won't wear deodorant makes it even grosser that he wears the same clothes for days in a row. And believe me, the stains are gross enough. This trip he showed up in a t-shirt with (1) paint stains (2) holes and (3) stains of unidentified origin. This is what he wanted to wear to dinner. In public! I think that wearing clothes in hideous condition may be a strategy on his part to get new clothes, because Adam makes Ben borrow clothes from him, which Ben conveniently "forgets" to return.

Ben managed to get out of here with one of Adam's knit shirts, a pair of khaki shorts, one of Adam's belts (Ben forgot to bring his own, of course) and two of my guest bathroom towels. He did, however, leave his stinky-ass shoes under my desk. And one sock. He also took all of the toiletries Adam bought for him home instead of leaving them here, so that we will have to go through the same thing all over again next time. He was wearing one of Adam's shirts when he was leaving, but Adam made him give that one back.

And while he was here, he complained that it was making him ANGRY that Adam and I were being too affectionate towards each other. I told him that it makes me angry when I sit down in my office chair and it's full of the toenails that he's been picking off of his toes. He doesn't even have the decency to put his disgusting toenails in the trashcan, and he's left me with the mental picture of him sitting in my office chair picking at his toes. There are few things that make me angrier than finding toenail leavings. Consider yourself warned.

Anyway, it seems that Ben wants to stand firm on his not wearing deodorant platform, which is a mystery to me, and one that he himself can not explain. Stinkiness, I believe, is not an advantage in one's personal or professional life, and should be avoided if possible.

That is my platform--DEODORANT IS GOOD. YOU DON'T HAVE TO STINK.



Ben--it's time to stop being a stinky stubborn mule and start acting like an adult. We don't live in the pre-industrial era. You don't do hard physical labor all day. You don't have to stink. I am perplexed as to why you have made this choice. Avoidable stink is embarassing to the stink producer, tiresome to the stink producer's girlfriend and family, and does not impress employers. There is such an easy way to fix this problem that it is ridiculous that you would let it continue on this way.

Please buy some deodorant and use it. And stop picking your toes in my chair.

Or here's what you'll be getting for Christmas:
.